Анекдоты, сборник 1

Английские анекдоты с разбором и переводом

Подборка коротких английских анекдотов для развития языкового чутья и понимания живой разговорной речи. Вы читаете текст, сразу видите перевод ключевых фраз и постепенно учитесь воспринимать английский без дословного перевода.

Читать материал →

Why He Had to Break In Three Times

“But why (но почему),” demanded (спросил) the puzzled judge (сбитый с толку судья) of the burglar (у грабителя) standing before him (стоящего перед ним), “did you break (вы влезали; to break – broke – broken – ломать) into the same store three nights running (в один и тот же магазин три ночи подряд; to run – бежать; здесь: следовать)?”

“Well, Judge, it’s like this (это было так),” was the reply (был ответ). “I picked out a dress for my wife (я взял: «подобрал/подцепил» платье для моей жены; to pick – выбирать, подбирать; отбирать), and I had to change it twice (а затем мне пришлось поменять его дважды).”

Vocabulary
demanded [dɪˈmɑːndɪd] — спросил, потребовал
burglar [ˈbɜːɡlə] — грабитель, вор
break [breɪk] — влезать, ломать

Original text
“But why,” demanded the puzzled judge of the burglar standing before, “did you break into the same store three nights running?” “Well, Judge, it's like this,” was the reply. “I picked out a dress for my wife and I had to change it twice.”

Key sentence:
I picked out a dress for my wife and I had to change it twice.

No Tent, Sherlock

Sherlock Holmes and his friend Watson (Шерлок Холмс и его друг Ватсон) were on a camping and hiking trip (были в палаточном походе; to hike – путешествовать; ходить пешком; бродяжничать).

They had gone to bed (они легли спать: «пошли в кровать»; to go – went – gone) and were lying there (и лежали «там») looking up at the sky (смотря «вверх» на небо).

Holmes said, “Watson, look up (Ватсон, посмотрите наверх). What do you see (что вы видите)?”

“Well, I see thousands of stars (я вижу тысячи звёзд).”

“And what does that mean to you (и что это значит, по-вашему = о чём вам это говорит)?”

“Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow (мне кажется, это значит, что у нас завтра будет очередной хороший денёк). What does it mean to you, Holmes?”

“To me, it means someone has stolen our tent (что кто-то стащил нашу палатку; to steal – stole – stolen – красть).”

Vocabulary

friend — [frend] — друг
mean — [miːn] — значить; означать
steal — [stiːl] — красть

Original Text

Sherlock Holmes and his friend Watson were on a camping and hiking trip.

They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said, “Watson, look up. What do you see?”

“Well, I see thousands of stars.”

“And what does that mean to you?”

“Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?”

“To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.”

Key Sentence

And what does that mean to you?

Finally, Silence

On a rural road (на просёлочной дороге) a state trooper (конный полицейский) pulled this farmer over (остановил машину фермера) and said, “Sir, do you realize (сэр, вы понимаете / знаете) your wife fell out of the car several miles back (что ваша супруга выпала из машины несколько миль назад; to fall – fell – fallen – падать)?”

To which the farmer replied (на что фермер ответил), “Thank God (слава Богу), I thought I had gone deaf (я подумал, что оглох; to think – думать)!”

Vocabulary

rural — ['rʋǝr(ǝ)l] — сельский; просёлочный
realize — ['rɪǝlaɪz] — понимать; осознавать
several — ['sev(ǝ)r(ǝ)l] — несколько
reply — [rɪ'plaɪ] — отвечать
deaf — [def] — глухой

Original Text

On a rural road a state trooper pulled this farmer over and said, “Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?”

To which the farmer replied, “Thank God, I thought I had gone deaf!”

Key Sentence

Thank God!

One Last Revenge

Old farmer Johnson (старый фермер Джонсон) was dying (умирал). The family was standing around his bed (семья стояла вокруг его постели).

With a low voice (тихим голосом) he said to his wife (он сказал своей жене): “When I'm dead (когда я умру) I want you to marry farmer Jones (я хочу, чтобы ты вышла за фермера Джонса).”

Wife (жена): “No, I can't marry anyone after you (нет, я не смогу выйти ни за кого после тебя).”

Johnson: “But I want you to (но я хочу, чтобы ты это сделала).”

Wife: “But why (но почему)?”

Johnson: “Jones once cheated me in a horse deal (Джонс однажды надул меня при покупке лошади; deal – сделка)!”

Vocabulary

around — [ǝ'raʋnd] — вокруг
voice — [vɔɪs] — голос
after — ['ɑːftǝ] — после
cheat — [tʃiːt] — обманывать

Original Text

Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: “When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones.”

Wife: “No, I can't marry anyone after you.”

Johnson: “But I want you to.”

Wife: “But why?”

Johnson: “Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!”

Key Sentence

But I want you to.

So Unpredictable

Newly wed wife to her husband (молодая жена своему мужу; to wed – жениться; выходить замуж):

“That is why I can't stand you (вот почему я не могу выносить тебя) – you are so unpredictable (ты такой непредсказуемый; to predict – предсказывать).

On Monday you liked the potatoes (в понедельник ты любил картошку), Tuesday (во вторник) you liked the potatoes, Wednesday (в среду) you liked the potatoes, Thursday (в четверг) you said you loved the potatoes preparation (ты сказал, что тебе понравилось, как приготовлена картошка),

Friday (в пятницу) you liked the potatoes, Saturday (в субботу) you liked the potatoes, and now all of a sudden (а сейчас вдруг) on Sunday (в воскресенье) you say that you don't like potatoes (ты говоришь, что не любишь картошку).”

Vocabulary

unpredictable — [,ʌnprɪ'dɪktǝbl] — непредсказуемый
potatoes — [pǝ'teɪtǝʋz] — картофель
Wednesday — ['wenzdeɪ] — среда
preparation — [,prep(ǝ)'reɪʃ(ǝ)n] — приготовление
Saturday — ['sætǝdeɪ] — суббота

Original Text

Newly wed wife to her husband:

“That is why I can't stand you – you are so unpredictable. On Monday you liked the potatoes, Tuesday you liked the potatoes, Wednesday you liked the potatoes, Thursday you said you loved the potatoes preparation, Friday you liked the potatoes, Saturday you liked the potatoes and now all of a sudden on Sunday you say that you don't like potatoes.”

Key Sentence

That is why I can't stand you – you are so unpredictable.

Bad Month

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself (человек в баре видит за столиком приятеля, пьющего в одиночку).

Approaching (подойдя / приблизившись к) the friend he comments (замечает): “You look terrible (ты ужасно выглядишь). What's the problem (в чём проблема / что случилось)?”

“My mother died in August (моя мать умерла в августе),” he said, “and left me (оставила мне; to leave) $25,000.”

“Gee, that's tough (ого, вот это сурово; tough – тяжёлый; трудный),” he replied (ответил).

“Then in September (затем в сентябре),” the friend continued (продолжал), “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months (ух ты, двое родителей за два месяца). No wonder you're depressed (неудивительно, что ты подавлен).”

“And last month (в прошлом месяце) my aunt (тётя) died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months (три близких члена семьи потеряны за три месяца; to lose – терять)? How sad (как печально).”

“Then this month (а в этом месяце),” continued the friend, “absolutely nothing (абсолютно ничего)!”

Vocabulary

continue — [kǝn'tɪnjuːd] — продолжать
aunt — [ɑːnt] — тётя
close (adj.) — [klǝʋs] — близкий
absolutely — [,æbsǝ'luːtlɪ] — абсолютно
nothing — ['nʌθɪŋ] — ничего

Original Text

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he comments, “You look terrible. What's the problem?”

“My mother died in August,” he said, “and left me $25,000.”

“Gee, that's tough,” he replied.

“Then in September,” the friend continued, “My father died, leaving me $90,000.”

“Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed.”

“And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000.”

“Three close family members lost in three months? How sad.”

“Then this month,” continued the friend, “absolutely nothing!”

Key Sentence

Then this month — absolutely nothing!

A Small Change

The patient (пациент) shook his doctor's hand in gratitude (пожал руку доктора с благодарностью; to shake – shook – shaken – трясти) and said (и сказал), “Since we are the best of friends (так как мы лучшие друзья), I would not insult you by offering payment (я не буду обижать вас, предлагая плату).

But I would like you to know (но я хочу, чтобы вы знали) that I have mentioned you in my will (что я упомянул вас в своём завещании).”

“That is very kind of you (это очень мило с вашей стороны),” said the doctor emotionally (сказал доктор взволнованно), and then added (и затем добавил),

“Can I see that prescription I just gave you (можно я посмотрю тот рецепт, который я только что вам дал; to give – gave – given)? I'd like to make a little change (я бы хотел сделать небольшое изменение)…”

Vocabulary

patient — ['peɪʃ(ǝ)nt] — пациент
gratitude — ['ɡrætɪtjuːd] — благодарность
since — [sɪns] — так как; с тех пор как
mention — ['menʃ(ǝ)nd] — упоминать
emotionally — [ɪ'mǝʋʃ(ǝ)n(ǝ)lɪ] — эмоционально
prescription — [prɪs'krɪpʃ(ǝ)n] — рецепт

Original Text

The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not insult you by offering payment. But I would like you to know that I have mentioned you in my will.”

“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change…”

Key Sentence

That is very kind of you.

The Medical Term

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do (человек сказал своему врачу, что он не может делать; to tell) all the things around the house that he used to do (все вещи по дому, которые он раньше делал).

When the examination was complete (когда осмотр был завершён), he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it (ну, док, я справлюсь с этим). Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me (скажите мне на ясном английском, что со мной не так; plain – ясный, простой).”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you're just lazy (вы просто ленивый).”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife (теперь дайте мне медицинский термин, чтобы я мог сказать моей жене).”

Vocabulary

used — [juːzd] — привыкший; использовал
examination — [ɪɡˌzæmɪ'neɪʃ(ǝ)n] — осмотр; обследование
complete — [kǝm'pliːt] — завершённый
reply — [rɪ'plaɪd] — отвечать
medical — ['medɪk(ǝ)l] — медицинский

Original Text

The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “you're just lazy.”

“Okay,” said the man. “Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife.”

Key Sentence

You're just lazy.

Come Back Later

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient (когда доктор закончил осмотр пациента), he said (он сказал), “I can't find a cause for your complaint (я не могу найти причину вашей жалобы).

Frankly (откровенно говоря), I think it's due to drinking (я думаю, это из-за выпивания; due – обусловленный; из-за).”

“In that case (в таком случае),” said the patient, “I'll come back when you're sober (я вернусь, когда вы будете трезвым = когда протрезвеете).”

Vocabulary

find — [faɪnd] — находить
cause — [kɔːz] — причина
complaint — [kǝm'pleɪnt] — жалоба
sober — ['sǝʋbǝ] — трезвый
frankly — ['fræŋklɪ] — откровенно

Original Text

As the doctor completed an examination of the patient, he said, “I can't find a cause for your complaint. Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.”

“In that case,” said the patient, “I'll come back when you're sober.”

Key Sentence

Frankly, I think it's due to drinking.

A Simple Solution

A patient came to his dentist (пациент пришёл к своему дантисту) with problems with his teeth (с проблемами с зубами).

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth (доктор, у меня жёлтые зубы), what do I do (что мне делать)?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie (носите коричневый галстук)!

Vocabulary

problem — ['prɒblǝm] — проблема
teeth — [tiːθ] — зубы
wear — [weǝ] — носить

Original Text

A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.

Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?

Dentist: Wear a brown tie!

Key Sentence

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes (ударник, уставший от всех шуток про ударников), decides to change his instrument (решает сменить инструмент).

After some thought (после некоторого раздумья), he decides on the accordion (он выбирает аккордеон). So he goes to the music store (и он идёт в музыкальный магазин) and says to the owner (и говорит хозяину), “I'd like to look at the accordions, please (я хотел бы взглянуть на аккордеоны, пожалуйста).”

The owner gestures (хозяин указывает) to a shelf in the corner (на полку в углу) and says, “All our accordions are over there (все наши аккордеоны вон там).”

After browsing (после беглого рассматривания), the drummer says, “I think I'd like the big red one in the corner (думаю, мне подойдёт большой красный в углу).”

The store owner looks at him (хозяин магазина смотрит на него) and says, “You're a drummer, aren't you (вы ударник, не так ли)?”

The drummer, crestfallen (ударник, упавший духом), says, “How did you know (как вы узнали)?”

The store owner says, “That ‘big red accordion’ is the radiator (тот «большой красный аккордеон» — это радиатор).”

Vocabulary

decide — [dɪ'saɪdz] — решать
change — [ʧeɪnʤ] — менять
instrument — ['ɪnstrǝmǝnt] — инструмент
thought — [θɔːt] — мысль; размышление
music — ['mjuːzɪk] — музыка
gesture — ['ʤesʧǝz] — указывать жестом
browsing — ['braʋzɪŋ] — беглый просмотр
crestfallen — ['krestfɔːl(ǝ)n] — подавленный
radiator — ['reɪdɪeɪtǝ] — радиатор

Original Text

A drummer, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument.

After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner, “I'd like to look at the accordions, please.”

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says, “All our accordions are over there.”

After browsing, the drummer says, “I think I'd like the big red one in the corner.”

The store owner looks at him and says, “You're a drummer, aren't you?”

The drummer, crestfallen, says, “How did you know?”

The store owner says, “That ‘big red accordion’ is the radiator.”

Key Sentence

How did you know?

That Explains Everything

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says (человек заходит в кабинет врача и говорит; guy – разг. парень), “Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week (доктор, у меня нет стула уже неделю)!”

The doctor gives him a prescription (доктор даёт ему рецепт) for a mild laxative (на мягкое слабительное) and tells him, “If it doesn't work, let me know (если не поможет, дайте мне знать).”

A week later (спустя неделю), the guy is back (человек возвращается): “Doc, still no movement (доктор, по-прежнему никакого движения)!”

The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger (хм, думаю, вам нужно что-то посильнее),” and prescribes (и выписывает) a powerful laxative (сильное слабительное).

Still another week later (спустя ещё одну неделю), the poor guy is back (несчастный снова приходит): “Doc, STILL nothing (доктор, всё ещё ничего)!”

The doctor, worried (доктор, обеспокоенный), says, “We'd better get some more information about you (нам лучше получить больше информации о вас) to try to figure out what's going on (чтобы попытаться понять, что происходит). What do you do for a living (чем вы зарабатываете на жизнь)?”

“I'm a musician (я музыкант).”

The doctor looks up (доктор поднимает глаза) and says, “Well, that's it (ну, вот и всё / теперь понятно)! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat (вот 10 долларов, идите купите себе что-нибудь поесть)!”

Vocabulary

bowel — ['baʋǝl] — кишечник
movement — ['muːvmǝnt] — движение; стул
prescription — [prɪ'skrɪpʃ(ǝ)n] — рецепт
laxative — ['læksǝtɪv] — слабительное
prescribe — [prɪ'skraɪbz] — выписывать
information — [,ɪnfǝ'meɪʃ(ǝ)n] — информация
figure out — ['fɪɡǝ] — понимать; разбираться
living — ['lɪvɪŋ] — средства к жизни
musician — [mjuː'zɪʃ(ǝ)n] — музыкант

Original Text

A guy walks into the doctor's office and says, “Doc, I haven't had a bowel movement in a week!” The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, “If it doesn't work, let me know.”

A week later the guy is back: “Doc, still no movement!”

The doctor says, “Hmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later the poor guy is back: “Doc, STILL nothing!”

The doctor, worried, says, “We'd better get some more information about you to try to figure out what's going on. What do you do for a living?”

“I'm a musician.”

The doctor looks up and says, “Well, that's it! Here's $10.00. Go get something to eat!”

Key Sentence

What do you do for a living?

Life After Death

“Do you believe in life after death (вы верите в жизнь после смерти)?” the boss (начальник) asked one of his employees (спросил одного из своих служащих).

“Yes, Sir (да, сэр),” the new recruit replied (новый работник ответил).

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine (ну, тогда это делает всё просто замечательным),” the boss went on (начальник продолжил).

“After you left early yesterday (после того как вы ушли рано вчера; to leave – уходить, покидать) to go to your grandmother's funeral (чтобы пойти на похороны вашей бабушки), she stopped in to see you (она заглянула, чтобы вас повидать).”

Vocabulary

death — [deθ] — смерть
employee — [,emplɔɪ'iː] — служащий; сотрудник
recruit — [rɪ'kruːt] — новый работник; новобранец
reply — [rɪ'plaɪd] — отвечать
funeral — ['fjuːn(ǝ)rǝl] — похороны

Original Text

“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees.

“Yes, Sir,” the new recruit replied.

“Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” the boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.”

Key Sentence

That makes everything just fine.

From Drummer to Conductor

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer (дирижёр имел много неприятностей с одним ударником). He talked and talked and talked (он говорил, говорил и говорил) with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve (но его исполнение просто не улучшалось).

Finally (наконец), before the whole orchestra (перед всем оркестром), he said, “When a musician just can't handle his instrument (когда музыкант просто не умеет обращаться со своим инструментом) and doesn't improve when given help (и не совершенствуется, когда получает помощь), they take away the instrument (у него забирают инструмент), and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer (и дают ему две палочки и делают его ударником).”

A stage whisper («театральный» шёпот) was heard from the percussion section (был слышен со стороны ударников): “And if he can't handle even that (а если он не может справиться даже с этим), they take away one of his sticks (у него забирают одну палочку) and make him a conductor (и делают его дирижёром).”

Vocabulary

director — [dɪ'rektǝ; daɪ(ǝ)'rektǝ] — директор; дирижёр
performance — [pǝ'fɔːmǝns] — исполнение
improve — [ɪm'pruːv] — улучшаться
finally — ['faɪn(ǝ)lɪ] — наконец
orchestra — ['ɔːkɪstrǝ] — оркестр
percussion — [pǝ'kʌʃ(ǝ)n] — ударные инструменты
conductor — [kǝn'dʌktǝ] — дирижёр

Original Text

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, “When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer.”

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: “And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor.”

Key Sentence

He can't handle even that.